Why it’s time to demand true gender equality... for men

A couple of months ago the BBC reported some deeply worrying news about our railways. Apparently, they’re not diverse enough.

“Train drivers,” the BBC website solemnly informed us, “remain overwhelmingly male, and overwhelmingly white.” No less than 91.5 per cent of train drivers, it explained, are men – while 90.8 per cent of them have white skin.

Presumably we were meant to infer that this is a scandalous injustice, because these percentages do not reflect the precise demographic composition of the wider public. If they did, only 49 per cent of train drivers would be male, while only 82 per cent would be white.

This type of thinking, however, contains quite a large flaw. Because, if we seriously believe that an organisation’s staff should reflect the precise demographic composition of the wider public, we’re going to create an awful lot of problems for ourselves.

This point was beautifully illustrated by a story at the weekend about the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. According to the museum’s latest report on “diversity and inclusion”, a mere 25.2 per cent of its staff, as of March this year, are male. So, in order to make the staff more “reflective” of the wider public, the museum plans to recruit more men.

An admirable goal – or so I thought, until I read about the target that the museum has set itself. It wants to increase the percentage of staff who are male to 30 per cent.

But hang on a minute. Why only 30? To be truly “reflective” of the wider public, the target would have to be 49 per cent, because men account for 49 per cent of the population. So, to achieve this, the V&A should either hire an enormous number of men – or sack an enormous number of women.

The former of these two suggestions would of course be extremely expensive. The latter, meanwhile, would seem somewhat harsh on the women, who have done nothing to deserve the sack.

Still, I suppose it wouldn’t matter – as long as the magical figure of 49 per cent were reached. That’s what counts. After all, if we believe that an organisation’s staff should reflect the precise demographic composition of the wider public, we’ve got to be consistent. No exceptions. True gender equality, therefore, will not be achieved until this scandalous injustice against men is rectified. To this end, no doubt we’ll soon be reading a story on the BBC website, wringing its hands over the fact that the V&A’s employees are “overwhelmingly female”.

Alternatively, we could always just tell employers to forget about spurious diversity targets, and encourage them simply to hire whichever candidates they think are best for the job. The idea might sound a little old-fashioned, but I really think it could catch on.

Votes for villains

Michael Gove has issued a dire warning to the British electorate. If Labour wins a landslide majority, he told Sky News, Sir Keir Starmer and friends could “rig the system” – by cynically granting the right to vote to certain groups that are overwhelmingly likely to support Labour. For example: “prisoners”.

Quite why Mr Gove thinks prisoners would be bound to vote Labour, he did not explain. Nor did he present any evidence that Sir Keir, the former Director of Public Prosecutions, is planning to reward convicted criminals in this fashion.

If Mr Gove turns out to be right, however, it would certainly have a dramatic effect on British politics. Mainly because, during election campaigns, candidates would be seen going from cell to cell, obsequiously competing for prisoners’ votes…

Scene: a prison corridor. A smiling man in a suit and a red rosette knocks on the door of the nearest cell.

Man in suit: “Good evening, sir. I’m your local Labour candidate, and I was wondering whether we could count on your support.”

Prisoner: “Sorry, mate. I’m voting Tory.”

Man in suit: “May I ask why?”

Prisoner: “Well, they’ve done a lot for the criminal community. They’ve slashed the number of police officers. Burglaries are barely investigated any more. Nearly 95 per cent of crimes now go unsolved. And, because the Tories haven’t built any new prisons, loads of criminals are being let out early – or not even being sent to prison in the first place. Their record in office is really very impressive.”

Man in suit: “Oh, but you’d be much better off under Labour. We’re pledging weekly conjugal visits, all prison slop to be Michelin-starred, and a free file inside every cake. Anyway, Labour is the natural party for criminals. We share your values.”

Prisoner: “Oh yeah? How’s that?”

Man in suit: “We passionately believe in the redistribution of wealth. And so do you.”

Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday