Q. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and it hasn’t come as a surprise. I have always been a daydreamer, easily distracted, impulsive and generally quite chaotic. I managed it well in my twenties but since becoming a mother I have had to deal with the added pressure of parenting, constant fatigue and all the things I have to remember, and I believe it is important for the people around me to understand why I am this way. My husband’s parents make me feel embarrassed about this. I am not sensitive to a bit of teasing at all, but their mocking is not done in a way that includes me. I tried to tell my husband but in his eyes his parents can do no wrong. My issue is that I am now becoming so anxious that the thought of spending time with them fills me with dread. I worry that my every action is going to be watched so that they can have a laugh at my expense. I feel so alone — both of my parents have passed away so I have no real support network to defend and help me. I don’t want to cause a rift between my husband and his parents, and I don’t want to cut them off from their grandchildren, so I would be immensely grateful for any advice you may offer. I am taking the necessary steps to manage my ADHD naturally with regular writing and various reminders, but I don’t want to feel shame for something I have little control over.
A. I read your question with some consternation. Your husband not responding to your feelings with kindness or treating your ADHD diagnosis sensitively needs to be addressed immediately.
My guess is that your confidence in yourself has been undermined since the death of your parents. We often forget how exposed and raw grief can leave us feeling, which then means we aren’t able to advocate well for ourselves. I can imagine the erosion of your self-esteem over time.
I think your first step is to fully acknowledge to yourself that you merit respect. From that place you need to have a serious conversation with your husband, telling him that he must not mock you — ever — in front of anyone. There is an enormous difference between teasing, which is done with affection, and mockery, which is done with contempt. Contempt can cause real harm to you and, in the long term, your marriage.
Discuss active ways in which your husband can show you his love and support — love is also a verb. Supporting you looks like helping you fill the gaps that your ADHD can create and protecting you from criticism from his family. He loves his parents, but he needs to know that your marriage is at risk if he does not support you in front of them. It isn’t a matter of taking sides. It is a matter of adults having an honest conversation to improve how they communicate: “When you mock me I feel humiliated.” “What I need from you is …” “What supports me is …” Be clear and specific. The conversation is not about blaming but coming from a perspective that is more “I want us to have a lovely time when we are with your parents and this would make all the difference”.
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However, judging from the tone of your letter I worry that talking to your husband in this straightforward way might not have the desired effect. In which case you may need to seek therapy together.
You mention in passing that you don’t want to cut your children off from their grandparents, an estrangement that would be devastating for everyone — but I can imagine in your powerlessness and rage you would go to this extreme response. Try to find different ways to express your rage: physically through exercise, by talking to friends, in journals where you can put it all down. Sitting on suppressed rage is toxic. These feelings needs to find a healthy release.
I am wondering what is at the basis of you having no real support network? In the long term we do all need relationships outside our family. Could you focus your attention on making one or two friends, maybe through your child playgroups? Could you join an ADHD support group?
I see your letter as a first step in you recognising and meeting your needs. I hope you will see this painful situation as an opportunity to repair a problem in your marriage, learn more about yourself and how you can better care for yourself. This is never easy, and takes longer than one would choose, and yet I am confident if you commit to this your life and that of your family will be on a more secure footing — and happier.
